The Rain in Spain

The rain in Spain is said to stay mainly on the plain, at least that is the assertion of a certain Professor Higgins. Personally I have never been to Spain and do not know for certain that there are any plains there, or rain for that matter. But I have seen pictures of parts of Spain in the north where there are mountains. If the pictures really are of Spanish Mountains and not Russian ones or Colombian ones Or New Zealand ones, or mountains of any other country, then it is almost certain that there is rain there, or else how would the trees grow? There were trees in the pictures I saw.

But note that Professor Higgins did not say that the rain in Spain stays ONLY on the plain. He said that the rain in Spain stays MAINLY on the plain.

According to a woman named Eliza Doolittle, Professor Higgins is a man of uncertain reliability. But if what he said is true, if indeed there is a plain in Spain, then I envision a plain covered with green grass waving in the gentle summer breeze and a river or two running bank to bank through this plain. But that’s just my imagination. The reality of the plains in Spain might be quite different.

First, the word “mainly” in and of itself says nothing about the quantity of rain that falls in Spain, only that it falls MAINLY on the plain. Spain might enjoy a yearly average of only three or four millimeters of rain. In that case the fields would almost certainly lack the lushness I have imagined. The plains might be bare of flora and very dusty. And there would probably be no rivers at all, just dry river beds.

While Professor Higgins asserts that the rain in Spain stays “mainly” on the plain, he does not explain exactly what he means by “mainly”.

Personally, I would guess that “mainly” means that more than 50 percent of the rain in Spain stays on the plain, but how much more than 50 percent? Does “mainly” mean 50.1 percent? To my mind, “mainly” would have to be significantly more than 50 percent. I would say it has to be at least 60 percent, or even 65 percent. So let’s say that “mainly” falls in a range of from 60 percent to 99.9 percent. This means that rain in the mountains would fall within a range of one tenth of a percent to 40 percent of the total rainfall, unless of course you consider the beaches. After all, Spain, I have heard, is not a land locked country. Supposedly it has several hundred kilometers of shoreline which probably could not fall under the definition of “plains”, at least in the context that Professor Higgins meant “plains”. So the remaining one tenth of a percent to 40 percent of rainfall would have to be divided between the shoreline and the mountains. And Professor Higgins said nothing about rain at the seaside or the mountains.

I have been given to understand that Spain lies north of the equator. And I am told that the mountains in Spain are in the northern part of the country. So it is entirely possible that snow falls in the mountains, at least in the wintertime. That might mean that the mountains get more overall precipitation than the plains. They might get a little rain and lots of snow, while the plains, though receiving significantly more rain than the mountains, might not get any snow at all.

Remember that Professor Higgins specified rain in his famous assertion, he said nothing about snow, and rain clearly is not snow. For one thing you can’t have rain ball fights. You could easily have water balloon fights but they are not the same thing as snowball fights. And it would pretty much be impossible to form rain into a ball perhaps four feet in circumference, and form more rain into a second ball of perhaps three feet in circumference and stack it on the larger one, and form still more rain into a third rain ball of maybe two feet in circumference and stack it on top of the other two. So you might as well forget about the coal the carrot and the top hat. And the name “Frosty” would never come up at all. Cleary, rain is not snow.

So the mountains could be watered by snowfall which of course would melt in the spring, thus causing the trees and other flora to grow, while at the same time there is not enough rain on the plain to sustain much plant life.

It is certain that more information is needed in order to test Professor Higgins assertion in re the rain in Spain, to learn other things about the nature of the Spanish plain and to learn whether there is enough snow in the mountains for sledding. Since there is no evidence that Professor Higgins actually visited Spain, the best way to gather the needed data would be to mount an expedition to Spain and spend some time traveling around the country, taking measurements of plain, mountain and shoreline. To be completely accurate in one’s conclusions, several years, at least five probably, would be required so that average yearly rainfall and snowfall readings could be taken in the various parts of Spain over the course of five years.

And of course I could not possibly complete this project alone. I would definitely need assistants. These assistants would also serve as witnesses that I had actually been to Spain and spent the necessary amount of time traveling around the country to draw accurate conclusions.

I have compiled a list of a hundred names or so of people with the necessary skills to assist in the project. These are people that I have known for many years and so I can vouch for their reliability. They include my wife, my three sons, two daughters, half a dozen nephews, a few nieces and some cousins.

I have taken the trouble to calculate the total cost of the expedition and it comes to $17,258,576.82. I am in the process of requesting a grant from the United States Government for this project but am not confident that the officials with the power to approve the grant would appreciate the needs to be served by said project.

In the meantime, I am open to accepting donations. Donors need not worry. Their donated funds will be put to good use, and I and my assistants will keep careful records, so that we can refund all donations should the grant be approved.

You may send your donations to:

Rain In Spain Project,
20502 Mesquite Berry Lane
Cambridge, Arizona 80108-10101”